5/16 the day after: Birthday and Kirtan

I worked yesterday, a little more than an hour away from home, and when I came back at dark, my coffee table was birthday arranged. I don't remember such wealth all at once. I am touched and grateful. This feels so cool! I have to point out especially, the flower arrangement of dandelions, white violets and crab apple branches, a design imagined by my granddaughter, I'm sure.
 
Yesterday morning, before I went to work - which I always anticipate with some anxiety (I'm not good at keeping track of time, so I really make an effort to set aside a necessary amount to get ready, set out, and arrive when I'm supposed to. Still, I'm always get a little side tracked and have to rush in the end.) ... I was deleting email when I noticed an announcement from my first kirtan teacher Dave Stringer about something online called Bless Fest.
That's what i'M GOING TO DO!. From now on, I will listen to kirtan every day and go blissfully off in the future. No more anxiety at all!!!

When my daughter and family gave me the Kirtan Flight School at Kripalu for an earlier major birthday, I knew it would change my life.  I love to sing and to sing with others is a particular gift. It was a little more daunting than I expected because it's actually geared to people who want to lead kirtan and I hadn't even sung kirtan, let alone thought about playing an instrument and being at the front of the room. No matter.

"kirtan is a call-and-response style song or chant, set to music, wherein multiple singers recite or describe a legend, or express loving devotion to a deity, or discuss spiritual ideas.[3] It may include dancing or direct expression of bhavas (emotive states) by the singer.[3] Many kirtan performances are structured to engage the audience where they either repeat the chant,[4] or reply to the call of the singer.[5][6][7]" Thank you wikipedia.

We started a call and response chant that continued for maybe a half an hour, changing rhythms, drum beats, cadences and harmonies, repeating the verses as he sang them. When the chant was done, there was absolute silence - as if there were no more breath - or as if we were all in one breath. We were still.  I realized I had no memory of the melody of the chant. 

This continued over the course of 3 days.  Dave is magnetic: Here he is talking about his flight school https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWH4nNk66NA 

Though I respect and appreciate faith and belief in its various forms I have a problem with the god I have been schooled in. I probably am less critical of the concept of multiple gods because it is easier to interpret them as not gods, but ideas. I belong to a lovely synagogue and I am really uncomfortable with the prayers. I think I go because I want community and am attached to childhood memory and connect to my history and culture. Saying prayers in Hebrew in the synagogue is not too bad. I am attached to the language and can understand it but not well enough to have each work reverberate with meaning. God is such an egotist!  A pretty violent one at that. So telling him that he is my father, king and on and on is not my thing.  When I was a child, seeing god as a grandfather, and a Jewish one at that was ok.  I asked him for things when I really wanted them, thanked him when they came, and figured that when they didn't there was a good reason. But as  an adult, visualizing a god isn't something I agree to. The world, the universe, Gaia, Ubunto, we are all together and are not the higher power. Maybe the togetherness is the Higher Power. Maybe Physics and chemistry, magnetism, electricity. There is enough mysterious, miraculous higher power to go around and astound me. And I'm good with that even though I am unable to get my head around the The Big Bang. 

At the Kirtan workshop, Dave suggested that we not describe Shiva as the many armed goddess (often painted blue) called among other things - The Destroyer. (It's not clear to me if she is she or he, and I find that engaging - Indian deities are so many and have so many aspects. You can find whatever quality you are looking for in one of them.) We were advised to think of Shiva as the deliverer of change, of destruction but also opportunity.

Thinking of 30,000 Indian gods, I translated this for myself to mean that praise to one is praise to an aspect of life, gratitude. And even if the idea arises from a religion that has horrendous aspects, as do all other organized religions, this aspect is extremely valuable to  my soul.  "Take what you need" (and leave the rest).

So On my long ride up north and back south yesterday I listened to kirtan and sang it in the loudest voice possible. Come to think of it, I always want to sing loudly in the car with the windows open so others can join in.  And of course, I am grateful  Gracias a la vida: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIrGQD84F1g     

Keep singing

Dear Beth

 Hi Beth. I am now - at this late age - 5/15/1940 on all medical records, getting it together. I have a website :
http://themermaidcrone.com on which I am putting my writing and artwork. It will serve as my archive and be available to anyone who is interested and wants to connect. So there you go.

I have been discussing advanced directives and final wishes with my very responsible children, and I am more and more intellectually accepting of the process and possibilities. The more rationally I address this, however, the more unacceptable (read real) it becomes. It looms larger. The bruised maple tree outside my bedroom window greets me every day. Last Tuesday a raccoon went to sleep in the crotch of one of its trunks and did not move until dusk. She woke, went about her daily hygiene, explored higher, went out on a limb and then took off. I know that it's all still here, but there's a nasty little anxiety pain in my belly that I can't make go away. It makes me nervous. Yesterday, my friend and neighbor walked with her dog all the way to Miccucci's and back - that's almost 6 miles. Besides the usual breathlessness going over the bridge and getting over the need for a public restroom (there aren't any), it was a great walk and not at all difficult. I've told her that walking with her is like being alone. It could be an insult, but it's a compliment - it's perfectly comfortable, and I am grateful. All and all, I am always grateful - like the Stafford poem. Thank you. I miss you.

"Yes" by William Stafford

It could happen any time, tornado
Earthquake, Armageddon. It could happen.
Or sunshine, love, salvation.

It could you know. That's why we wake
And look out - no guarantees
in this life.

But some bonuses, like morning,
Like right now, like noon,
Like evening.